Monday, October 18, 2010

Enough already!!

I’ve been doing something all my life – not on the grand scale it seems Unitarianism encourages, i.e., working for GLBT people, immigrants, people of another race, homeless. A lot of the time I’m struggling to survive – not against poverty or any ‘isms out there – just to survive in this life. So I do and do the best I can for where I am and who and what I am and no matter what or how much – there’s always someone saying I should do more.

Yet if one gets into a meditation practice, one has to learn to be still, to quiet the monkey mind, and just be, maybe follow the breath. It is okay to keep breathing.

Years and years of therapy have always seemed to be about changing how I am, as obviously I am not okay with that. So each therapist supplies his/her point of view to help me be more okay than I feel I am. Too bad they never learned that whatever it is I am is okay and didn’t need changing. Funny thing is no one ever worked on that.

So much missed in this quest – never being enough – for a lifetime. In childhood, I wasn’t enough because 13 foster kids were brought into the home. Graduating 28th out of a class of over 300 kids in high school, my father said I could have been valedictorian if I had tried. My marriage ended because my husband felt I wasn’t enough anymore for him. A therapist of 12 years quit on me. A minister of 9 years left all of us for another church – wasn’t that because we weren’t enough for him anymore?

Imagine, if you can, that just because you are, you are enough. And any doing something is to do because you want to and enjoy the doing, but your only real task in life is to just be. Imagine being loved just because you are – not what you do. That you are a precious human being. Not doing – being.

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